Kicking Names and Taking Asses
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: SUMMARY: Mac can kick his ass. Mac can kick anyone's ass and she's gonna prove it. Read warnings inside and don't whine.


TITLE: Kicking Names and Taking Asses

AUTHOR: VIDZ

WARNING: PARODY OF RIDICULOUS CLAIMS, **if you're a rabid Mac fan then this fic is not for you!**

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.:)

AUTHOR'S NOTES: recently a new reader, new to fanfic but not new to JAG (I'm not revealing their name for their protection), contacted me to check whether I had noticed something. What they had in mind was the baffling claim in Harm/Mac fics, by either Mac, Harm (yes, they had Harm say that), another character or just the author, that "Mac can kick Harm's ass".

Before I started writing fanfic I read HM since there was nothing else so I have run across this a LOT of times, fics with this claim went into thousands. Even though it's canon Harm was trained by numerous Special Forces units and specialists, even as early as 16 years by Colonel Stryker, and we could see on the show Harm come on top or with a draw (**he never lost a fight)** in a fist fight against men bigger and stronger and sometimes even more numerous than himself and men with a lot of hand-to-hand combat training, from Army Rangers (Harm and his Force recon team against Rangers' team, he was only bruised while the Rangers ended up in the ER), to Navy SEALs (LT Rivers) to RAN Boxing Champions (Brumby) and even killed with his bare hands (Sadiq's mercenery). While Harm wouldn't fight Mac because he wouldn't want to hurt her, he was still perfectly able of disabling her without hurting her, for her own good. Not to mention Mac is a good deal shorter, weighs only half of what Harm does and her training is nowhere near even half of Harm's level.

Just when I thought I've seen everything, this lunacy hit new heights with a HM fic where Mac took down a bus full of heavily armed terrorists who were mingled among kids (she was UNARMED - was on her way to work and made a brief stop to resolve a hostage situation, facepalm) while SWAT teams stood by watching and eating popcorn, and the only "casualties" were: a skirt dirty a little from crawling under the bus (what she was doing there I have no idea, since there are no secret entrances in the bus undercarriage), a broken fingernail and only 5 minutes late for work. Yup, this fic really exists and it's not alone. It was written by a writer called Kat (or something like that... it was at least 8 years ago when I last saw it), who had a website with her husband Ken (I think), called something-to-do-with-roses.

Aside this ludicracy, several other things baffled me:

- Harm and Mac are supposed to be friends and about-to-be-lovers to those fans, so why were they contemplating about these two getting into a physical fight in the first place? Is this strange only to me or were they really messed up to have such a view of friend/relation-ships?

- have they even watched the show? Those two had thrown barbs and insults and a slap coming from Mac would've been unsurprising during some of their most heated times, but a full-out physical fight? facepalm

And, yet, this is not the only fandom I encountered this phenomenon in. But in Farscape it was true since John was almost pathetically helpless at first, but with Season 2 he got much better and by end of the show he terrified entire species.

And since I had inspiration and I can never leave well enough alone, here we are. :D

PS, **during the years I wasted on HM, compared to thousands of fics where Mac or someone else said Mac can kick Harm's ass, I only ever encountered just ONE fic where Mac admitted to the opposite. "Sail Away" by Valerie, which can be found on this site.**

SUMMARY: Mac can kick his ass. Mac can kick anyone's ass.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

Mac siddled up to Harm, muttering something to herself.

"What?" Harm asked absentmindedly, leaning closer as he paged through the case folder in his hands.

With his closer position he could finally understand Mac's mumbling and the words proved quite baffling "I can kick your ass. I can kick your ass. I can kick your ass..."

Harm pulled back, looking worriedly down at his coworker "You feelin' okay there, Mac? Do you have a fever?"

But Mac said nothing, only raised her head to glare into his eyes "I can kick your ass in a fight..."

Deciding to humor her, Harm asked "Okay, supposed you can, but why would we fight physically? You and I are supposed to be friends. People even think we should be lovers. I don't know about you, but to me, physical violence is NOT a natural part of such a relationship..."

But Mac had stopped listening and began waving her hands in the air, the gestures accompanied by guttural cries.

Harm just stared, becoming increasingly concerned with his partner's mental state and confused what she was trying to accomplish by making herself look like a complete and utter idiot. Her strange behaviour was setting him on edge and made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

He got his answer when Mac's closed fist shot out in the direction of his face.

Two seconds later she was on the floor on her belly, Harm keeping her immobilized to prevent her from hurting herself. Turning to the onlookers he called out for medics.

Meanwhile, down on the floor, Mac continued declaring the Dogma to anyone within hearing range.

"I'M BETTER THAN KARATE KID! BETTER THAN KARATE TIGER! I CAN KICK BOTH THEIR ASSES, EVEN THAT LITTLE JAP'S ASS!

"IF BRUCE LEE AND BRANDON LEE WERE STILL ALIVE THEY'D BE TERRIFIED OF ME!"

Finally the white men with the nice jacket arrived and started bundling Mac into it, as Harm looked on with sadness. He'd known Mac had always had delusions of grandeur and supremacy and it looked like she'd finally snapped. Mac, on the other hand, was still shouting in a voice made hundred times stronger by thousands of screaming fangirls who sent her their voices.

"BRING ME CHUCK NORRIS®, I'LL SHOW THAT BEARDED TEXAN WHO'S BOSS! I'M BETTER THAN ANY MAN IN EVERYTHING!"

Then it broke through to her what was actually being done with her and she struggled for a second.

"LET GO OF ME! I'M SAIN'T MAC!"

That gave her pause for a second while she decided who she was "Or am I SuperMac the Marine? Or Mac the Supermarine? Nah, that sounds like an airplane."

"YOU HAVEN'T SEE THE LAST OF ME! I'M SUPERMAC! she screamed, grabbing at the door-frame. The white-dressed orderly finally managed to pry her fingers off the wood and the double door swung back and forth as a final screech could be heard through the building.

"I'LL BE BACK!"

THE END

PS: Supermarine was a British aircraft manufacturer, that built the famous Spitfire.


End file.
